Fairness vs Fullness

I toasted bagels and sliced peaches for chattering mouths this morning while uninvited tears slipped subtly down my cheeks. All week I firmly resisted shards of fear and worry, but today the underlying grief worked its way to the surface.

Tomorrow we enter the courthouse again. More than five years have passed since I stepped into such a room to hear the proclamation of a judge over the content of my life. Much has changed. But I am reminded this week that our life circumstances will forever be vulnerable to a subjective microscope. At any point, our finances, our time with our own children, where or how we live, decisions as basic as trips and schooling and activities, can be laid out and dissected before a judge. Judges who don’t know us, or our children, or Jesus. They weigh the glimpses of information before them and rule as best they can.

That ruling can affect almost every aspect of our lives. Again I feel the free-fall and lack of control. This morning emotions surged to the surface, punctuated with words like fairness and justice. Panic rose as I remembered how fairness in divorce is something of an oxymoron.

I have zero faith for fairness.

So what do I have faith for? God and I have been going deeper with this question lately. When everything gets shaken, where does my peace reside? Do I believe that He is good, that He is alive and active and powerful – yes. Does He love me? Yes. Do these things translate into a guaranteed painless list of answered check boxes for all my desires?

No.

God and I have been wrestling this out for awhile now. Because I do wholeheartedly believe in His goodness, that He delights to give good gifts to His children, that He died to redeem all the effects of sin – not just poor choices that would separate us, but also pain and loss and suffering. That those things are finished and paid for; it was not a first installment, Jesus’s death was the price paid in full.

So how does that translate to life here and now? When he thought of me on that cross, paying the ultimate price, what did he see? Did He envision a world full of people with everything their hearts and eyes could imagine? Maybe the eternal answer is yes, in heaven it may very well be so. But what about here and now? I could definitely use a bigger house, 5 bedrooms. Maybe 6. Well, why not 7, or 8? And a swimming pool would be delightful. Indoor, as long as I’m asking. So a house big enough for each of our children to have their own room, and an indoor pool, and any number of other things. And now that I think about it, living somewhere warmer would be nice. With mountains, and ocean, and a city nearby. But plenty of money to afford to live there, to shop at Whole Foods and buy only local and organic. My list could go on – the perfect life. Could we all have a list like this, everyone in the world? Is the resurrection like the introduction of a magic genie lamp into our world, except the wishes are endless? For everyone, well everyone who calls on the name of the Lord?

That doesn’t really make sense to me either. So if the cross does not translate into a fair life, nor does it translate into a genie life, what does it actually mean for life in the days?

What resonates most in my spirit is this: I do have faith for fullness. We are now able to have the Holy Spirit alive in us, to become like Him. To not only live more closely with Him minute by minute, but also to exude Him more truly to others – to love Him and to love others well. What I do have deep faith for is that I can live intimately close to God through anything, and that I can become more like Jesus.

Which means in the middle of anything, it is possible for me to have:

Peace

Patience

Goodness

Gentleness

Kindness

Love

Joy

Faithfulness

Self-control

God calls this fruit. Not only because they are delightful; but also because they are results that must be cultivated. We are capable now of producing them, but they must be grown. In much the same way that my body is capable of many things, but only to the extent that I train or exercise it toward that end. My focus has been disjointed and distracted for awhile now, I have let these places go slack. I want to see them flourish again, and in new ways. I want to love and connect with the Source again in such a way that they become my natural environment. These things seem like true kingdom life, accessible to all wherever one might live or whatever one’s circumstances. What economy or illness or even judge can steal these gifts away?

I choose today a stance and life lived toward this vision and in close proximity to that Source. I will not focus on top-level outcomes or fairness which pave the way for fear, I will simply make known my requests to God and then leave them with Him. In peace. In trust. In rest. I choose to live above the circumstances, knowing that God deeply loves us and will never leave nor forsake us – and trust that all of His gifts are good. To some degree these can sound like just the right words to say. But I fully believe they will be followed in the days and weeks to come with examples of these incredible gifts in action, and why His higher way is of such great worth.

May He be with the judge tomorrow and help him to see rightly. May He give us favor and a way forward. But ultimately, may I end tomorrow closer to Him than I started the day, regardless of any ruling or outcome. At true rest in His goodness and love.

Just as grace trumps justice, fullness is a higher way than fairness.