Us and Them

eliotbday

Sunday my littlest pumpkin turned 6; and he had his first all-class party! It was really a drop-off type event at a gym, so all the parents came and went – except for me, John (my ex-husband), his new wife, and Lizzy (Papa’s ex-wife).

Awkward..?!

Yes.

And no. Surprisingly. Two years ago I could probably not have imagined a couple hours together with this group of people, spent so pleasantly  discussing things like the impending birth of my ex-husbands new son with his new wife.

But things do change.

And healing actually happens, freedom happens; and grace makes even the impossible .. possible. Grace is not passive or benign; it actually has the power to change situations and breed new life. Especially with the added elements of time, and diligence to keep weeding our own hearts of parasitic sins like unforgiveness.

Walking out grace in this unexpected life of ours has not been simple, and was never a one-time choice. It is still as regular a necessity in my world as exercise and hydration. But it is becoming easier; I am familiar with the cycles, the triggers, and the freedom that always comes on the other side. And I know now from my own actual experience, that it is always, always worth it.

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I told Papa about the party when he got home from work that night. And I said I was thankful. Thankful to get to see them each more for who they are; individuals with hearts and hurts and hopes, lovingly created by the very same God. The same God who is always working toward the end goal of wholeness and restoration.

It softens my heart. Hearing about how Lizzy used to climb trees as a child and spend hours in them; hearing about the pregnancy issues Frank’s wife now faces; it keeps them human and real to me. It keeps them out of the realm of becoming just entities that sowed pain into our lives. It keeps it from being  them and us.

Because chosen or not, there is only us. We are all in this together. Raising all these children, each doing our best within this crazy unexpected paradigm to knit a life of real joy and security for them.

Our lives now share a complex web of choices and chain effects, from gifts to Christmas break to finances. The only really sensible way forward is to operate for, and not against. We continue to ask God for tangible love for them, and their significant others, and their new babies. We ask for His eyes to see them as He does, and His vision for what is actually possible for our family. And so far, He has totally exceeded all my expectations.

It keeps them human and real to me.
It keeps them out of the realm of becoming just entities that sowed pain into our lives.
It keeps it from being  them and us.

Oct 13

Grace Received

shopping

A fog set in and blanketed my usually clear thoughts. I stared in the mirror, glowing; the beautiful chestnut dress hanging perfectly on my not-so-perfect body. The organic cotton felt soft and comfortable against my skin. And the price tag becoming less and less relevant.

I glanced over at the pile of other beautiful clothes heaped on the dressing room chair, the ones that also fit. That were beautiful, that made me *feel* beautiful. That suddenly, I seemed to need. My life without them, perfectly fine when I awoke on this gorgeous fall morning, now seemed to have a gaping hole that just needed to be filled.

My mind darted to my wallet. I had some cash in there. Some. Maybe enough for one or two of the items (we each have some personal money each month in our budget that we can spend as we wish); but I really wanted at least 4 or 5 of these items. A dress, two skirts, and two shirts. And I had nowhere near the money for that.

What happened next felt almost surreal – as my mind started filling with tainted thoughts; comparisons, jealousy of other friends, insecurity, and even resentment. Now more than ever, I needed these things. I needed to figure out a way to have them. I finally came up with a plan; a plan that wasn’t exactly dishonest – it would meet all the letter of the law, it would not get me in trouble. But I knew, in my heart, that I was manipulating the truth, and choosing sin.

And I chose it anyway.

I bought those things. Beautiful packages in hand, I walked slowly to my car and began the laborious drive home through Chicago traffic. As I sat there stoplight after stoplight, I realized how all of the morning’s joy had now vanished. How heavy my spirit was. How I no longer wanted to talk to my Daddy in the car as we usually do; and how I was no longer looking forward to seeing my husband at home.

Because what I was now feeling was no longer the elation of the purchase, but the residual affects of sin. Shame.

I felt the immediate disconnect in my spirit, but it just made me want to hide. Because, so simply, it felt essential to hang onto my ‘stuff’.

But oh how I hate feeling any separation from Him. The more I know Him, the more I love Him, and the more I want to do every part of my life with Him. And the more I feel His absence when I’ve grieved Him. So I began to present my heart, totally hardened as it was, to Him. 99% hardened, 99% intent on keeping my secret and my stuff. But that 1% was enough. As Holy Spirit made His way in, His light was not shaming – it was freeing.

He was not condemning me, He was loving me. He was opening my white-knuckled hands, lifting me up, giving me perspective. Unwrapping the chains that bound me to that stuff. By the time I arrived home, it was settled in my heart. No sin is worth separation from that kind of Love.

No sin is worth separation from that kind of Love.

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I laid all of the purchases out on our bed, and then I sat down out front on our old peeling porch steps next to my husband, and poured out the story. As honestly as I could, trying my best not to hide or make myself look better than it actually was. And I cried. Over stuff? Over clothes? Clothes I certainly don’t need. This whole morning I was amazed at what a foothold this thing seemed to have in me. I ended by laying it at his feet, telling him we could do whatever he thought best – and I would take everything back if need be.

Papa listened quietly to it all. And thought a bit, he is never quick to speak. He put his hand on my knee, and his mouth turned up as his dimples poked out. And I came face to face with grace.

He could have so easily judged me; we have a clear and limited budget. We are trying so hard to save for a van – so our whole family can finally all ride together! We have six little mouths to feed and uniforms to buy and growing boys who actually need new clothes. But he did not condemn me. Not even in the face of my real sin, my intended deception. He chose forgiveness – He chose to be Jesus to me.

And the weight lifted, the shame lifted; the real freedom of restoration was unleashed in me. And suddenly, whether I had those new clothes or not seemed almost totally irrelevant. My alignment shifted, and the joy returned. That is the real, true affect of repentance and of grace.

What came next, was yet another reflection of His love. As Papa helped me figure out how we could keep these things I had so desperately wanted. We put two away for Christmas gifts, and the others – he said I should just keep. Freely. As gifts. Just because he loves me.

Love truly does trump sin, when we give it the chance.

 

Oct 13

Laughing All the Way

laughing

On the walk to church yesterday morning, the two smallest were trailing behind, holding hands, and very much enjoying themselves. Eliot yelled, ‘Let’s SKIP all the way to church!’ and they began to skip. Then Curie yelled, ‘No, let’s HOP all the way to church!’ and they began to hop.

Then Eliot pulled them to a sudden halt, eyes twinkling turned to her and said, “NOOOOO .. let’s LAUGH all the way to church!’

And that is exactly what they did the rest of the way. Full throttle, hardly-able-to-stand, belly laughing. And the harder one of them laughed, the harder it made the other laugh, and so on. We finally entered the big old doors, all encompassed by riotous laughter.

Often, I feel the struggle in getting our big family to church. There’s always a missing shoe, or lost keys, or a dispute that has to be settled. So sadly and too often, I walk in those big beautiful doors already tacked with some frustration or anxiety, shoulders carrying weight.

But not today. I am continually amazed at the sheer power of laughter, and of joy. We castrate that power way too much, pigeonhole it as simple and benign – when it fact, it changes people; it changes atmospheres. It breaks things off that are trying to stick to us. It pushes back even the most oppressive darkness and empowers supercharged growth-lights.

The joy of the Lord is your strength.

Not the endurance of the Lord, or the courage of the Lord? Really, God? Your JOY?! You’re saying that choosing joy, embracing joy, makes me stronger? Is the way my whole family grows in strength?

I am thinking that perhaps we’ve found a new way to get our family to church.

Oct 03

What’s in a Name

All Star

A lot, actually. When each baby was growing in my belly, we thought quite a bit about what they were going to be called and those meanings. And so in the formation of our new family unit, we’ve thought a great deal about names as well.

The kids usually refer to each other all as brothers, but once in a while it’s necessary to differentiate. So we’ve fallen in love with the term bonus (as a substiution for step). I first heard it from the lovely ladies at www.bonusfamilies.com. Websters defines it as:

A bonus is a gift – something extra or additional, an asset given freely.

Step has so many negative connotations, and really implies levels. We love that every time we use the word bonusmom or bonusbrother it implies that each person’s presence is an asset to our lives and to the whole family.

Sometimes we also have to differentiate between sets of kids, as in ‘I’ll pick up my kids from school, you get yours from your mom…’ But again, ‘yours and mine’ just smells of division from the get go. So we decided to name our ‘sets’. The kids helped; and finally decided that my boys are Team Brown; Papa’s kids are Team Red; and when we need the whole gang – they are Team All Star (which is my favorite!).

I think any new word or title feels uncomfortable at first – but don’t be afraid to test them out a bit, if your situation is a bit unusal too and could use some new titles! What we call each other, and call out, day after day does matter.

Sep 29
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