Archives for: Forgiveness

Great Again

I looked down, using all possible restraint to not bite back, to avoid defending myself, and simply repeated my previous response, “Please don’t text me anymore right now. Have a good time tonight with the boys.” Then I tossed my phone onto the countertop, face down, and walked away.

This small act of letting go, of non-response, would have felt impossible five years ago. I hate tension and naturally scramble to pacify aggression. I’m also sensitized to accusation, and my … Read more »

Sharing the Burdens

Not long after we married, a picture began to form. I saw the real challenges of our unexpected life meeting the real creativity of a kind God, and wondered if these stories were really just for us alone. Did others need to hear the hope and imagine the possibilities? Was there anyone else out there on their own unexpected journey looking for encouragement and a brighter way forward?

I became convinced that the answer was yes. But could it be … Read more »

The Art of Celebration

Newton stood tall, taller than me, leaning up against his new Trek as the other boys stacked wads of bills into his open palm. After handing over the cash, each one grabbed the tiny orange notebook to record their requests. Early on in his delivery service, he realized that written, signed orders were the best way to avoid problems. When the flurry ceased, he read the itemized list out loud and then stuffed it along with the bills into his … Read more »

Plus Size

Amy Schumer’s objections to the plus-size label received a lot of attention lately. As I turned the words over in my mind, I suddenly had a new framework for my life. Because if anything describes our family, it is certainly Plus Size.

Labeling can be damaging or restrictive; but it can also empower and provide context. This one is dead on for us. Rarely can we eat in a restaurant or book a hotel without a reminder that we are … Read more »

Our Unexpected Gift

I buried my dream of giving birth to a girl many times. After having boy after boy after boy; after the divorce; even after the beautiful new baby boy with Papa last year. I had to realize that this dream was just not in the cards for me.

And yet again, my story goes:

But God…

When I least expected it, without any orchestrating on my part, I was given this amazing gift.

The caboose of our giant family; a … Read more »

Synapse Superpower

“Remember what you were saying! I want to hear the rest,” I yelled to Emily, as our ever-revolving door opened. A new load of three arrived, hunched over with backpacks, baseball equipment, and an enormous cello. They kicked of their shoes, scattering dirt clumps across the floor, as Sawyer leapt up into the waiting arms of his big brother.

“Hey look! It’s Barry Allen!” Yelled Wesley, who then leaned in closer to Sawyer, “Or are you the Flash right now?”… Read more »

Fairness vs Fullness

I toasted bagels and sliced peaches for chattering mouths this morning while uninvited tears slipped subtly down my cheeks. All week I firmly resisted shards of fear and worry, but today the underlying grief worked its way to the surface.

Tomorrow we enter the courthouse again. More than five years have passed since I stepped into such a room to hear the proclamation of a judge over the content of my life. Much has changed. But I am reminded this … Read more »

The Teaming Masses

I unlock the front door to escape the arctic air and am greeted by the ever-growing tangle of tennis shoes, baseball cleats, slippers, gym shoes and snowboots, thrown together in an ungangly mess . I stand on the hardwood floor, my own boots dripping melted snow and salt remains into the floor below me, because every inch of rug and floor mat is already claimed. The baby squirms in my arms as I give the pile a kick to free … Read more »

Yours, Mine, and Ours

When we first married, people asked all the time if we might have more children. We laughed. Hard. The kind of laughing where you turn red and can’t catch your breath. We were overextended just figuring out a new marriage and parenting the six we suddenly had together.

But anything can change with time. And our hearts certainly did. We both began to acknowledge a desire deep within to have a child together, and to have a child that would … Read more »

The Peace of Christmas Day

Eliot stopped at the edge of the peeling porch step and whirled back around.

“Have a great Christmas, Mom. I’ll miss you.”

Within seconds his arms were wrapped tightly around me.

I savored the briefest moment, the growing gangly boy enveloped in my hug, then stepped back and flashed him a big smile, “I will – and you too! Have a great time at Dad’s, and I’ll see you in just a few days.” He grinned back, turned, and then … Read more »