The One Who Always Gives His Best

waves

Mrs. Pigglewiggle looked over the desk at me with deep, sympathetic eyes. She nodded as I spoke, though a thick coating of hairspray kept the grey curls from budging. She leaned back into her leather wheelchair as I continued.

‘Every good gift this year. New babies, a new (free!) house, a new van, success at work, expensive things, giant tvs & gaming systems, and now even a new church. Sometimes, I just. don’t. get it. How can their choices be rewarded in every possible way?’

Of course, I was talking about our ex’s. And as I let it all spill out in the safe book-thick office of my counselor, it suddenly felt like I was back at square one. Where had all the grace gone? Why was this all suddenly bothering me so much? Who was speaking out these words heavily peppered with envy and entitlement?

Her big Italian eyes held mine for a moment, and then she said in her strong, sure voice, ‘I know dear. I understand.’

And I knew she did. I was not crazy. She understood, she was going to help me sort this out. Make it right.

I sighed, ‘Then what do I DO?’

She sat up and smiled, ‘That, my dear, is quite simple.’

Yes! Just what I wanted to hear.

‘You pray and ask God to bless them. Even more.’

Silence. I digested her words.

Hmmm. Not exactly what I was expecting. Not the silver lining I was looking for.

I paused and regrouped, ‘Welllll, ok. Sure, ok. I can do that. But what else?’

She smiled again, ‘Nothing. That’s it. Bless them. Specifically – ask God to bless them with greater love for each other, that he would never to do her what he did to you; multiply their finances and favor at work; an abundance of peace and joy in their home.’

Silence.

It’s amazing how in an instant like that I can simultaneously feel two totally opposing things: a fleshly internal rejection of such an idea because it just sounds so impossible, and painful, and downright unfair. And yet also, a part of my spirit – undoubtedly The Spirit himself living in me, that rises up to meet the idea. The part that shouts eagerly, ‘Yes! Yes! This is the way; walk in it.’

I know that it is for exactly these moments that we strengthen and train our sprit man – so that the truest, best part of us is able to prevail in these battles, one of my favorite books on this is Strengthen Yourself in the Lord. And I knew in that moment that I had not been strengthening myself well as of late, that no doubt that is why I was feeling and sounding so out of alignment again.

The beautiful thing is that God is always right there, eager for us to shift gears again. Eager to draw us back in, closer. I knew even as I sat there in the small dark room that God was doing exactly that, drawing me back and setting things right within me.

Tears pooled in the bottom of my eyes, ‘Ok then. Bless them. I have, you know…then why does it still hurt? Why do I still feel jealous sometimes like this?’

She reached over and put her soft, well-worn hand on top of mine and patted it, ‘Because it takes time. Lots of time. But if you persevere in blessing them, you will get more and more free, every year. Until one day you realize that those same things haven’t phased you at all, for a very long time. That you are truly free.’

I knew she was right. I felt the agreement in my spirit. Yet how can such a simple prescription seem so difficult? Almost impossible at times? But then I thought about how far I’ve come, how much of the impossible God has already done in me and in our situation and crazy blended-family relationships, and decided a firm Yes. I would continue to trust Him, that His ways – though they are not our ways, are ultimately the best.

Jesus not only taught about this, He modeled it Himself on his very darkest days; in the face of betrayal from his own loved ones, even dying on a cross as He prayed for His Father to forgive those who put him there.

I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst.
When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer,
for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves.
This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—
to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty.

-Jesus  MATTHEW 5:45-46 {TMV}

And Mrs. Pigglewiggle firmly reminded me that when I entertain thoughts of justice or revenge (passive-aggressive as it may be – maybe I won’t take revenge, but ok-by-me if God or someone else does…), that I am giving legal ground to the real enemy in my life. Nothing is worth that. We must choose to stay living in the realm of grace at all costs.

My real point of turning came the following morning after driving the kids to school, as I worshiped (to one of my favorite simple but beautiful songs by Trevor Parker). Tears fell, as I felt my spirit finally let go in full, again, and submit to Him. There is nothing I would not do for Him – because I love Him. Because I trust Him. Because of who He is and all He’s done. Deep peace came and settled in me again.

Ok God. I say it again – I trust you, and your ways. Have your way in me. I will respond with the energies of prayer for them, and expect you to answer. Let this be my worship to you today, and in all the days ahead. Thank you for showing me the way, thank you for the amazing freedom into which you continually guide us.

 

Jan 19

Making All Things New

newyear

After the eve of turning has been properly celebrated with sparkly drinks and amazing friends, before fixing my mind forward with resolution and strategies for the newborn year , I choose something both simple and profound.

I carve out space for grace.

It is the very best groundwork to lay in a year that I intend to be rich and full and productive. It is the best footing to choose when I intend to be stronger, wiser, and more loving at the close of said year. And, as always, it is the deepest place of healing for all that has been, and all that will come.

Making time for this does not entice me as much as creating this year’s family dream list, or envisioning the pounds falling off me as I work my new exercise plan. But I know from experience how powerful this time actually is. How valuable. How essential. It makes real, rich space for all those other things to grow. It cleanses the year’s build-up – of hurt, of failure, of sin – our own and others. It is the one and only 5-star cleansing method, guaranteed by Jesus himself.

So what do I do in that space? Well sometimes if it’s been awhile, I give myself a refresher course. I pull out some of my favorite books on grace and read pieces, or relisten to some of my favorite grace messages. I read Jesus’s own words, like these, and let them soak into my spirit. I let myself be realigned as I turn away from my more natural bend toward justice and toward His supernatural ways of grace. Even then I feel the weight begin to lift, and grace begins to look less like a chore and more like glorious freedom. It is when we choose to release the old that He actually has space to make all things new.

Then I put on some worship music. So many great choices – this year Jason Upton, Will Reagan, and Jess Smiley flood the room. And then I invite the person of Grace. Because Jesus does not ask us to do something He did not already do Himself. He knows the pain of sin and betrayal and hurt and disappointment – He also knows how to look it all right in the face, in all its ugliness, and forgive. He knows the power and freedom in that forgiveness; and He knows exactly how to lead us down that path.

Then I let the Holy Spirit start bringing things to the surface. Oh how He loves to help and heal us! So I ward off the fears of letting them into the light, and I trust Him. As specific people and memories come to the surface, I acknowledge them for what they are or what they cost me – and then I push them over to Jesus. And name by name, I say,

Lord, I forgive them. I release them. I bless them.

They owe me nothing.

And then if God brings any specific action or physical blessing to mind, I do that as well (or write it down for later). And I continue: seeing, releasing, and then embracing the freedom that is rightfully mine in grace. The peace. The fresh beginning. It sounds somewhat dreamy – but it’s not. Sometimes it’s quite the opposite: messy and complicated and painful. Sometimes (often) there are tears. Sometimes I am resistant to actually let go, to trust Him that this crazy supernatural way is better than demanding my own justice or attempting to control. And the peace is not always instantaneous, though it will come. The Holy Spirit is patient, and gentle: a gentleman, as my counselor calls him – who will not ever force his way on us, even the way of forgiveness, but will fully walk alongside and empower us as we choose that way. He untangles the webs. He makes a way. He embraces us on the other side.

Sometimes I forget one of the most important parts: forgiving myself. I am often my own worst critic and judge, and choosing to walk in grace myself is just as important as all the other parts. God Himself is not judging me today, He is bending over backwards to shower me (and you!) with grace and love and mercy. There is nothing He would not do for us, He has already made that clear. This was a good reminder from Agapi Stassinopoulos:

I have lately found myself experiencing more worry, judgment and resistance than I would like. These patterns have a way of persisting when I fall into judgment of them. I have learned that if I move into forgiveness and compassion for myself for still having them, the patterns diminish and gradually disappear. This is what I call grace.

I have fallen short in many ways this year, often boiling down to just not loving well. Choosing selfishness, pride, and a critical spirit over love. I have too many times given place to an orphan spirit and acted out of that. I have been impatient with our children. I have been critical of my husband. I have been judgmental with my ex. I have kowtowed to fear. I’ll spare you the full list as I’m sure you get the idea, but the final word is still the same:

I am forgiven.

Freely, fully – as far as the east is from the west. I have a new start. In the way I love God. In the way I love the people he’s put in my life.I carry none of it into my brand new year – God doesn’t want me to! He has made a way for freedom, He wants me living out of that place even more than I want it myself.

Lord, thank you for giving us a way to be clean, and for reminding me to make the time to actually make that space.

I welcome you, 2012. With clean, open hands.

Jan 02

A year in Plan A+

worship

They watched as Plan A fell away,

and God replaced it with…Plan A.

Our pastor spoke these words over us a year ago today as he joined our lives and families together.
Our friends love to call it Plan A+.

God’s supernatural aptitude to work everything for good still blows my mind. And it is supernatural for sure – heads above any piecemeal makeover plan we could scrap together ourselves. I had asked Him many times in those dark years – do You truly mean you will work everything for good? Including the deepest pains and losses, the ugliest failures and wrongs – the real messy everything? Because a God who only offers hope for the typical was just not going to be big enough for our suddenly kareening-off-course life.

But He actually specializes in the real, down-and-dirty kind of everything, when we can not possibly resurrect the original plans and all seems lost. That is exactly when the Hope Incarnate delights to really show Himself. His power. His unfailing love. His goodness. His five-dimensional, supernatural plans and all the passionate minutia that goes into it as they are breathed to life. One of the most beautiful expressions of this hope lay in all that God worked leading me to Papa, and to this very day, one year earlier.

After reading the Christmas story to our children this year, I shared with them the thoughts from my last post. Did Mary ever wonder how God could have orchestrated something that looked so … messy? Did she ever, or often, wonder if He actually knew what He was doing? If He was indeed trustworthy? And then I talked about all the changes they’ve been through these last few years, the pain of divorce and the messiness of it all, and how different their homes and families are than most; and asked them the very same question.

Do you ever wonder if God knows what He’s doing?

Do you ever look at your crazy out-of-the-box life and wonder If He can be trusted,
is working it all for good?

The conversation that followed was simultaneously beautiful and heart-wrenching and tender. And somehow within all of their questions and all still unknown, God has given them each an amazing peace that surpasses what they don’t understand. And at the end of the conversation, dear little Eliot concluded, ‘But to me, it somehow feels like this was God’s plan all along. Like we were always supposed to be a family.’ This was immediately met with a roomful of emphatic nods, and smiles and shared, transcendent agreement.

I am so thankful today that His ways are not our ways and that He is always at work behind the scenes – whatever those scenes might be.

I am so thankful for my first year in Plan A+ doing life with Papa, and all of our amazing children. A+ does not mean easier – it has been packed full and challenging and brimming with life and struggle and play and work. There have been nights we have fallen into bed, exhausted emotionally and physically with no words to be found. As well as nights I could hardly sleep because of the joy overflowing. But God has been with us, navigating, every step of the way. And it has been really, really, good.

Thank you God, for a year in plan A+. 

For peace.

For…

Growing in real, strong love within authentic relationship and conflict and family.

A dinner table full on every side with smiles and  chatter and love, and all the crumbs that fall and mark the fullness.

An amazing parenting partner, who values what God values.

Largeness. Of home, family, promise, and hope.

Papa’s long eyelashes and twinkling eyes, always clear, that steady me.

A husband who can walk away when a heated conversation warrants it, and return with clarity and purpose.

A partner who forgives quickly and intentionally.

Love that gives me space.

Love that can break through my analytical shell and make me laugh at myself.

Love that never tries to force or control me, but trusts me and believes the best.

Patience. And more patience.

Beautiful new friendships, formed together. And beautiful weathered friendships that will last a lifetime.

Delicious gourmet dinners, from Sweet Chili Glazed Salmon to Potato Crusted Quiche, and everything in between.

A family so large that I get to step outside of myself and be stretched and learn the art and joy of serving.

Endless piles of laundry, soiled by so many little ones we love.

Laughter and late night games where I am always challenged.

Quiet moments writing together in front of flickering candles.

Early mornings at peace, with Papa, with God, together – before the frenzy of the day and the roar of children rises up.

Road trips with a van full of electrified elementary school children … all ours.

Vans to borrow from generous friends.

The day Sullivan had a meltdown and ran away and Papa went after him and carried him home in his arms.

Papa’s patience as with all the little hurting hearts still healing up from loss: patient in their grieving, their adapting, their anger, and their growth.

Together loving on others as God has brought many to our doorstep with similar hurts and pain.

Time in the woods. Time on our porch. Time at the lake. Time in the city. All of the time, together.

Projects, somehow. A new woodshop in the basement. Gingerbread houses. A painted bathroom. A 100-yr old house being maintained once again.

Fishing. Camping. Dancing. Crying. Poker. Teaching. Nerf Wars. Praying. Writing. Feasting. Creating. Building a life together.

The elaborate, messy, exquisite God-lead blending, day in and day out, of two hearts, six children, and four pets.

Shared joy. Divided grief.

Goodness.

Jan 01

A Merry Messy Christmas!

babyJesus

Our family watched The Nativity Story for the first time together. I loved seeing this story that I know so well unfold visually and stir up new thoughts, especially as we watched the slow-time, the down-time – the waiting. How many conversations, wonderings, questions, hopes and fears must have come to the surface in all of those moments? The late nights with Elizabeth, the whispers as the baby and her belly grew, questions as miles passed on the way to Bethlehem.

Yet what really grabbed me in a brand new way was this: the whole Christ-child event was messy. For everyone. God had been planning this event since the beginning  of time, and yet so often it did not look that way. It appeared unnervingly random: a very young, unmarried pregnant girl, a sudden totally inconvenient trip to Bethlehem, no vacancies in the entire town – how often did Mary or Joseph (or their families) wonder,

Does God really know what He is doing?

Surely He could have come up with a better plan than this! He could have chosen anyone, anywhere and had centuries of forethought. Why allow Mary to carry not only the child, but the intense shame that others cast on her with every day her belly grew, still unwed. Or why not choose a couple already living in Bethlehem? Why the long tiring journey for His chosen ones? Could He not have at least saved them a spot – that one last room, a little comfort for the birth pains now before her? No friends or family to labor the night away with her. Just Joseph. Just Mary.

His ways are not our ways. I would love everything to be predictable and sortable into nice tidy boxes, with plenty of time for preparation and planning. Whereas God loves the adventure, the surprises, the more. He is always seeing things we might miss, always concerning Himself with a deeper stream of activity and the internals as much as the externals.

The truth is this: He had lovingly, intentionally prepared every awkward detail. He chose young Mary. He chose their journey. He chose that little backwards stable. For so many reasons we already know, and probably a thousand we don’t. He absolutely knew what He was doing.

Thank you, thank you Jesus, for being born into such a mess. For beginning The Great Rescue in a way that is approachable for all: a way that was crazy, unexpected,and entirely out-of-the-box. Blowing away all formulas, again and again, with something way more transcendent and beautiful than anyone ever expected .

Thank you that though sin-free love and relationship with us was your plan A, you always had a plan B. Born to us this day, in the City of David. A Ransom. A Liberator. A Lover. A radical, sacrificial, over-the-top Plan B. You are such an expert at exactly that type of plan, still today.

Happy birthday, dearest Jesus.

 

So the three wise Men followed the star out of the big city, along the road, into the little town of Bethlehem. They followed the star through the streets of Bethlehem, out of the nice part of town, through the not-so-nice part of town, into the really-not-so-nice-at-all part of town, down a little dirt track, until it stopped right over … a little house.

But wait. It wasn’t a palace. And there weren’t’ any guards. Or servants. Or flags.

Or red carpets. Or trumpets. Or anything. Did they get it wrong?
Or was this what God meant?

Sure enough, in that little house – there sitting on his mother’s knee – they found him.

The baby King.


from a very favorite book: the Jesus Storybook Bible

Dec 25

Dancing to a Different Drummer

xmastree_papa

I stood beaming near the tree, now freshly peppered with shiny gifts. The boys rushed in the door and made a mad dash to the gift pile – looking, shaking and squeezing with their child-like wonder. I see Sullivan mouthing something as he handles his presents one by one, then finally he turns to me and says,

There are only 4 presents for me.

At Dad’s house, I have 8.

Ouch.

This was last Christmas. But the scene still tries to color my thoughts this year, begging me to give it space and to ward off a similar blow by competing with the other parents. Upping the present count and adding into the mix things we really can’t afford. I know this is a prevalent temptation for most parents in the throes of holiday madness, but I think divorcees and blended families get a unique heap of it. Because we are not in control of our own child’s complete Christmas experience; we are only setting half of their childhood norm. They will all have two Christmas mornings, one right after the other.

Avoiding the question, How will ours compare? is really difficult. Almost impossible.

And really important.

We have decided, and continue to claim the ground, that our financial choices will not ever be based on the other households. It is a death-trap to live any other way. Even when silently taunted by some of their spending, gifts, and things we desperately want for ourselves – we simply can not be pulled into a game. The only financial internals we really know are our own. And the only finances we are responsible for before the Lord are our own. So the only ones we choose to focus on and give any space to are our own. The alluring rabbit trails of comparison only ever lead to jealousy or self-pity.

But easier said than done, right?

The most tried & true medicine I’ve yet found for these aches and pains (which let’s be honest, are bound to rear their heads from time to time), are still giving, and thanksgiving. When I am tempted to hoard or buy – the most powerful response is to move in the opposite spirit: to give. Even, maybe especially, if it hurts. We bless someone. Surprise someone. Leave an anonymous envelope of cash for that person God keeps putting on our hearts. We support the causes and people we love that are doing God’s work all over this globe. We look for ways to make a real, kingdom difference.

Then I look at everything around me, and shout out my thanks. Literally, shout it! Today I thanked God for my warm home, the candles in our fireplace, all the hugs waiting for me after school, the work projects coming in, eggnog in the refrigerator, my dear friend’s newly adopted daughter, amazing friends (name by name), new music, His healing work, time to write, Papa’s smile, my iPhone (it seems to always gets a shout-out), and on and on. There are always things to give thanks for.

We also ask, instead of how will ours compare? – how will ours be special? Not better, just special. What do we want our kids to know and remember about Christmas? And we put those big rocks in first. We read our Advent book together (the children have always adored this special book). We worship and dance together – to traditional beautiful Christmas songs as well as ones that tell the Story in new vibrant ways. We make space to enjoy each other – for games of chess while sipping hot cider and reading books outloud while cuddling under blankets. We fill the house with wonderful smells as each family member gets to pick something special we will eat or cook over the holiday break – this year’s list includes salmon, starfruit, challah eggnog french toast, crepes, and brussel sprouts (yes, brussel sprouts! our kids LOVE this recipe). We pray together and invite the Living God to truly be present our celebration – the funnest party guest of all! We focus on others – this year we are giving each child a gift of money to bless someone with; they’ve been excitedly looking through the World Vision gift catalog as well as some of the specific missionaries and organizations we support as a family. For a list of fabulous groups to support as well as products that really make a difference, check out one of the best articles I’ve read on Christmas by Jen Hatmaker. Seriously, amazing.

Our traditions as this new (big) blended family still feel embryotic – I am looking forward to being more intentional about developing our own special time and ways. Though my soul is deeply stirred by reading traditions like When Christmas Gets Radical by Ann Voskamp, and there are parts of it that inspire us and we incorporate – we are not them, we are us. We’re not really called to fix our eyes on their celebration anymore than our ex’s: we get the joy of asking God Himself how He wants our unique family to celebrate Him. And that, gets me excited. Because He knows me, knows every single person in our family – and is always full of surprises and likes to laugh! His unique ideas for us are way more engaging than following someone else’s plan or competing in any way with others.

So this morning I asked him for a new idea – just one, for our family today on Christmas Eve. He reminded me that his birth is still good news of great joy – and there are some people who could really use some good news! So after I finish typing, I am going to ask the 6 children downstairs to bring a pillow and blanket to the living room. I will turn on some worship, they are going to lay on the floor and soak in His presence (they love to do this!) as I walk around quietly praying, and asking God to show them someone on His heart to encourage today. After a bit we will go over to the kitchen table and make cards for those people, with words and pictures that the Lord has given to these kids for them. Good news. Great joy. As true and important this day as it was so many years ago in a tiny stable in Bethlehem.

May your own celebration today be God-inspired, full of live, and bursting with great joy!

 

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU

 

 

 

 

Dec 24
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